gratitude + remembrance: 3 ways to support in difficult times
Photo credit: Robert Sturman
Today, in the United States, it’s memorial day.
When I was growing up, Memorial Day meant that it was going to be hot outside, I’d have an extra long swim practice, and we would probably have hotdogs – a very special treat!
I knew to thank a veteran for his service (in my sheltered world, women didn’t go to war); I knew to listen to patriotic songs, and I knew that my mom would probably cry if we watched one of my brother’s favorite war movies (Tyler wanted to be an Air Force pilot).
this was my pre-9/11 Memorial Day
Undoubtedly the world changed after September 11, 2001. Previously, I thought of veterans as male, old, and far enough removed from war that it didn’t affect them anymore.
Yes, I had a very naïve view of military service.
At fifteen years old, I saw boys my brothers’ ages enlist and go overseas. I saw women, just a few years older than me, join them.
I tearfully watched news coverage of Lori Piestewa, a 23-year-old from Arizona, become the first American woman to die in combat.
We were a nation at war, but we didn’t know how to care for our troops when they returned.
Or, when they redeployed.
Or when they returned from multiple deployments with invisible wounds.
as I have gotten older, I’ve grown close to countless current and former military members
I’ve treated them professionally; I’ve become friends with them personally.
I’ve gotten to teach yoga to them on base; I’ve studied them in the classroom.
I’ve grown to admire and appreciate their ability to come together through times of difficulty and the bonds that last their lifetimes.
I even married an airman.
As a military spouse, I’ve gotten to see another side of military life: the traditions of honor, integrity, discipline, commitment, and community that propel our armed forces forward.
Yet with all of that said, Memorial Day is a difficult day.
memorial day is a weird holiday—as we acknowledge those who have given their lives, we awkwardly gloss over the needs of those who remain
As a nation, we have failed these men and women in key ways:
accessible healthcare
mental health care
an understanding and empathetic society
While we work to correct and heal the VA system, release the stigma of PTSD, and recognize the after effects of traumatic brain injury (a common injury for veterans that is under-diagnosed and can cause mental health problems like anxiety, depression, and suicide), it is a responsibility of us all to recognize that Memorial Day can be an extremely difficult day for the survivors.
I’ve learned from my own recovery with TBI and PTSD that we all process and recover from grief differently.
I’ve also learned that when people are able to learn more about others’ struggles, they are better able to empathize and support.
because i strive to provide solutions to issues i raise, I’ve created three simple ways to practice gratitude and remembrance on difficult days
Learn
Learn about the military. Learn about its traditions, its heritage, its programs to support veterans and families.
I didn’t know anything about the military before I married Brian. I didn’t know how he could be active duty military if there was no base near our home (turns out, there’s a very important base at Sky Harbor Airport). I didn’t realize that deployments continue even in times of peace.
Learn about mental health and common challenges people face after deployments, cross-country (or international) moves, or constantly adjusting to a “new normal.”
ask
This one is so simple yet really powerful.
Ask, “how are you today?” and really mean it.
Ask, “how can I/we support you/your family?”
Ask, “how do you want to observe Memorial Day?”
The answers may really surprise you…. that brings us to:
Listen
You may hear things you don’t want to hear.
You want to argue or deny in an attempt to protect yourself from someone else’s reality.
Don’t. Simply listen.
There’s nothing to fix or do; simply give space for the person to be heard.
i learned these techniques through therapy and by going through difficulty in my own life.
That’s how I know they work. Whether you utilize these tips to support a veteran, or a loved one struggling with health concerns, or a coworker adapting to work from home, or even to support yourself through change, I hope that these are helpful for you.
I know they have been helpful for me.
i didn’t plan on writing a post like this today, but it was on my heart and wanted to share in case it helps someone else
I’m posting my “mindful minute” video on Instagram today. Did you know that you can go to my instagram anytime and review mindful minutes?
Two ways:
go to my profile, click on the “mindful MINUTE” highlight button.
go to my profile, click on the TV button, and pick any of my videos filed under the mindful minute series.
