I started this blog to share my love of lululemon, movement, and special people. I’ve been so encouraged by kind comments & conversations to continue sharing the “real, messy, human” stuff. It’s scary, AND freeing, to be authentic. It’s amazing to not have to wear a mask of “everything is great” when it’s not. 

It can also be uncomfortable AF.

Who can relate?

So today, friends, it feels right to talk about what’s real: I’m grieving. 

I think what we all love about a new year is the promise of a fresh start. We expect that with a new year, we will be different people; we’ll respond to stress better, we’ll be more organized, we’ll suddenly thrive where we previously struggled. 

Anyone else’s closet still a wreck despite a plan to be more neat in 2020? 🙋🏼‍♀️

At times, life will bring us back to reality harshly.

It’s after 1am and I can’t sleep. I’m lying in bed listening to Brian snore —uh, breathe. Cinnamon is stretched out longer than I could have thought possible and consequently pushing me out of bed with her ridiculously strong little paws (she can move a 40-lb dumbbell after all); Copper is sleeping under the covers and on top of my right leg so I can’t move. God forbid I wake up the dogs to get comfortable, right?

Anyway. When I’m stressed, I don’t sleep. Yesterday Brian’s grandma passed away. Even though she had been ill for a long time, it’s incredibly sad and my heart hurts for Brian, his mom, and their whole family. I am empathetic, and struggle to maintain emotional boundaries in times of stress (don’t worry, I see my therapist in a couple of days so I will talk this out with her, too.).

Worse, I get into a space of worrying about myself and others. How will we all get safely to Pennsylvania for the burial? What will we do with our dogs while we are away? What about my own grandma? She’s 93 and recently fell. Come to think of it, my parents are getting old too. Am I ready to deal with losing my parents? Copper threw up yesterday, I remember, is HE sick? I get really sad thinking about some day losing Copper — my sweet, loyal, best little bud. 

Does anyone else do this?

I think we do. I think it’s part of the human experience. We allow our minds to wander and come up with a lot of misery, to protect us from current and future hurt.

This unfortunately causes a lot of stress for the body, mind, and spirit.

Fortunately, I have a tool that I use when my thoughts carry me away and I feel fear, worry, anxiety, etc. 

In 2019 I got a lot of practice with grief and loss. Last January, I was grieving the loss of my eyesight. I was grieving the loss of my independence, my ability to drive, my financial freedom, my confidence in my future. I was grieving the loss of health, income, clients, friends, experiences, travel, and fun. I was grieving the loss of my body and athletic abilities. I grieved the loss of career opportunities. The losses continued throughout my ongoing recovery from traumatic brain injury.

And then in July, I grieved the loss of my little nephew.

We tend to minimize loss and grief because they are uncomfortable emotions. We feel the need to note that “what I’m going through isn’t as bad as what Karen’s going through so I’m going to tell myself not to complain”. We feel guilty about grieving our losses because “we have it so much better than people from other countries/families/socioeconomic backgrounds”. We feel shame that we “can’t just be grateful that we are still alive/not permanently disabled/not that bad”. We actually make ourselves feel WORSE that we are grieving rather than just simply feel the feelings.

What I learned from my year of grief and loss is that it didn’t matter how “big” the loss was: it all felt the same. 

What I learned from my year of grief and loss is that I tried to numb the uncomfortable feelings with distractions, lululemon, shopping, eating, and a whole slew of things to distract me from the discomfort of grief. 

What I learned from my year of grief and loss is that the ONE thing I needed to give myself, was a safe space to grieve. 

So what I’m doing right now, as I type this at 1:15am, is recreating a safe space in my head: it’s a black sand beach in Costa Rica that I encountered on my solo 30th birthday trip a few years ago. The air is warm and humid; a storm was on its way but hadn’t hit. I hear the waves, I see the gorgeous vibrant sunset. I feel the salt air moving through my lungs, I can almost taste it. I hear crabs skitter across the sand, and I feel the grit of the sand between my toes. I feel my heart beating fast, excitement mixed with fear, awe, and joy. Here I can allow myself the space to feel ALL of the emotions that come up.

I use visualization to recreate this memory in my mind. Visualization is a powerful tool, and a mindfulness practice I use daily for self care. In this exercise, we will use all five senses to ground and down-regulate the nervous system.

If you’d like to try it, I’ll outline it here (and I’ll lead it on my instagram too).

Safe Space Visualization

Place your hands on your belly. Take three deep, full breaths. Breathe into your hands.

I want you to think of a place where you feel safe: relaxed, calm, happy, reflective, at peace.

Don’t worry if you can’t think of a place right away. You can even make one up if you need to. Keep breathing mindfully as you create this place in your mind.

As you create the space, I want you to notice five things you see. You can notice the scenery. Your clothing. A person or pet. Your coffee mug. Take your time to really see them. What color are they? Are they static or mobile?

Then, notice four sensations of your body. It can be as simple as your feet on the ground, your hands in your lap, your hair touching your skin, your finger and thumb pressing into each other, the soft support of your lululemon leggings.

Notice three things you hear: maybe the sound of your own voice, the wind, or your breath.

Find two things you smell (coffee? a flower? your deodorant?).

Experience one thing you taste in this moment.

Take three deep breaths, and create an intention: I am ________ (safe, calm, relaxed, at peace, etc).

Take your time coming back to this moment, and feel free to look around your current space using all five senses. Even the stressors of “Manic Monday” can wreak havoc on our nervous systems. Take your time, and a little space, to breathe.

Thank you for breathing with me today, and being a part of this practice.

For more on grief, check out this igTV video by @drmorganfrancis. She’s a woman who has helped me to recognize, feel, heal, and deal with grief — and she can help you, too!