Does anyone else tend to be really hard on themselves?? Asking for a friend ;-)

Just kidding. It’s me. I have been hard on myself for a looooong time. Thinking back to my earliest memories, I realize my pursuit of perfection started so young. I often cringe at my self-dialogue from the past, remembering how terrible I made myself feel over every. little. thing.

Can anyone relate?

I had to stop my negative self-talk about a year ago, when I was in the throes of recovering from my brain injury. I was in pain every single moment, I was legally blind in my left eye, I was having severe memory problems, I was extremely isolated. I couldn’t drive. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, why I wasn’t healing faster (like many others do), what was I doing wrong to not get better, why I had gained so much weight, how was I going to cope with a “new normal” that everyone told me I needed to accept.

You see, I didn’t even KNOW how hateful I was being to myself. It was part of my inner dialogue, and I never questioned it.

My lack of self-love came out in a lot of small ways, and a lot of big ways. Not getting enough sleep, getting easily frustrated with myself, criticizing my body, criticizing my recovery, comparing myself to others, pushing myself when I needed rest. The list could go on and on — and maybe you recognize some of these patterns for yourself, too.

It was with a lot of support, and a dedication to mindfulness, that helped me to become AWARE of these thoughts. Then I was able to FEEL the effects of this self-hatred. Only after all of that uncomfortable stuff was I able to start to HEAL.

I can tell you right now that this has saved my life.

You see, when I was physically healthy, I could compensate for my lack of self-love by doing MORE. By accomplishing big achievements, like finishing my doctorate by age 27, and owning a successful small business. I could remember insanely small details about people to make them feel special, and read countless books, take a ton of continuing ed, buy literally ALL the lululemon, and do all these things to make myself look really good.

But nothing could cover up what I tried to hide.

When I could no longer use my coping mechanisms of achievement, big brains, and fixing other people’s problems, my fragile self-esteem crumpled.

I had to change in order to survive.

The past 18 months have been the hardest of my life (and I have survived a lot that we may discuss another time). And yet, I’m grateful for this journey.

Because, this weekend, I proved to myself that I love myself.

Should I leave this as a cliffhanger?

Nah. I’m too excited. I’ll share.

I had signed up for a 3-day course with Tom Myers (founder of Anatomy Trains and one of my biggest nerdy dreams come true). The course was two days of body reading (assessments etc) and the final day was centered on resilience. AKA, I REALLY WANTED TO DO THIS COURSE.

So I went in to it setting myself up for success: my mentor Ann provided me with a “safe haven” to take breaks. I adjusted my activities leading up to the weekend, knowing that its a grueling weekend even without a brain injury. I had delicious nutritious food prepared by Tailored Bites. I had my most comfortable, adorable lululemon on that made me feel strong, confident, and cute (from the high-fashion Roksanda module—check it out!). Reminder, as a member of the lululemon collective, I will make a small commission if you shop through my links. Thx for allowing me to share my passion for cute, functional athletic wear with you.

Most important, I practiced a TON of self care and kindness.

Day One started well. I drove myself, and it’s the furthest distance I’d driven since my accident. Driving is still exhausting for my eyes and brain, so that was a big win. I loved Day One. I took breaks, I was kind to myself, and it felt SO GOOD to be back in a professional learning environment.

Then around 2pm, I was hit with serious neurofatigue. Thanks to my mindfulness practice, I can identify when I’m about to conk out. I took a rest, and my energy didn’t improve. I knew it was time to leave early. I went home, took great care of myself, went to bed early, and woke up for Day Two.

It was not a great brain day. I was feeling the affects of Day One, and knew deep down that attending Day Two would negatively affect my brain/eyes/body. I took a deep breath and sent a message that I was staying home to take care of myself. I knew it was the right thing to do…..and I really wanted to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for Day Three: Resilience!

After being the “perfect patient” I woke up for Day Three. You may know where this is headed. It wasn’t a great brain day. This time, I felt all the grief well up: I’m 18 months into my recovery, I’m still not “well,” I invested money in this course and now I have wasted it, and worse, I really wanted to go through this day. Through mindfulness and self care, I got some insight on why it was so important for me to go: I have this belief that I need to do the “right” things, hear the “right” words, buy the “right” stuff, and I will magically heal.

That is a lie.

Everything I need, I already have. What my body, my brain, and my SELF needed most from me, was my love, care, kindness, and attention.

So I gave myself that.

Could I have done this a year ago? Nope. Definitely had opportunities and did not. Six months ago? Nope. Major FOMO. Three months ago? Maaaaybe. One month ago? It was a weak little self care muscle, but I got to practice this at Event Luv. Today? Nailed it!

The best part? I realized that I am practicing resilience.

Pretty cool, huh?

Thank you for stopping by my blog today. I hope that something I shared resonates with you. Please leave me a comment on here or insta, so that I know what helps others. Finally, I’ve got a beautiful mindful minute going up in my insta stories shortly. You won’t want to miss it.

xoxo, Mallory